Blessed Blogger

I sit here, at exactly one a.m. on what is now Monday but feels like a lost in between time outside of reality, and gently rock my baby to sleep. She is not the baby I wanted, not the flesh and blood baby of my body that would have come into the world on my birthday this November, not the discarded fur baby someone left in a dumpster that called out to my inate sense of motherhood, not even the creamy dreamy powder puff I picked so carefully from the shelter. No, the baby I hold is the one I was meant to have and the one I am ultimately glad to be holding.

She is a tiny thing, ribs visable beneath her short striped grey on grey fur. She is long and delicate, so small I can hold her in one hand which is exactly what I am doing now. She rests on my sizable busom, which I normally detest but which always seems to come in handy whenever a baby is around, human or feline. She is purring while she dreams, having fallen asleep to the lullaby of my heart. Her mouth and feet wiggle involuntarily and I wonder what she’s dreaming and if she is happy to have found a home with me.

Perhaps it is my looming birthdate that makes me nastalgic, perhaps it is the absense of my husband and my fear that he will not return, the same fear that always hovers around me when he is away like an annoying cloud of nats on a hot summer day. Then again, perhaps it is the heat, which even now in the wee hours of the morning leaves me breathless and sticky. Most likely is it the lack of sleep which no amount of pop music and caffine can hold at bay forever.

All I know is that I sit here thinking odd thoughts and feeling both appreciative and melancholy. Every shadow is an ominous figure, every strange sound a reason to panic. What if there is a black out and I am left here in the dark (something I am terrified of even at my age). What if my cats never stop hissing and swatting this new little one. What if, and this is worst of all, Sean doesn’t make it home. The mere thought brings tears to my eyes and I feel I am drowning. If anything were to happen to him…I can’t even imagine the result. All I know is that I would not long survive him and I would not want to.

It’s times like this I thank the Creator for the simple pleasures in my life. The soft pajamas I wear more often than ‘real’ clothes, the piles of books that take up to much room and never fail to trip me at the worst possible time. The chocolate soy milk I love that always makes me feel sick afterwards or the fans blowing hot air that make it just barely livable in here. The radio station that plays songs I actually like, the tap on the window that always proceeds the friendly delivery man who never forgets to tell me to have a good day. My cats, who seem so trivial and even distasteful to some people, who keep me from going insane even when they are the source of my frustration. And above all, Sean. Who, and I know this sounds gooshy, is literally my life, my best friend, my whole reason for living. And I am not ashamed to say so.

The kitten is asleep now and though she is not the baby I thought I wanted, is the baby I needed. Much like Sean, who is nothing like the guy I always thought I would marry, and is a million times better. Sometimes we don’t know that what we need most of all is what we want the least. I’m told God works in mysterious ways and if I believe anything about the Ceator it is definately that. I no longer curse the Creator for the pain I had to endure or wish that I could go back and change it all, I no longer wonder why I had to be sick and isolated for the last five years. It was all for a reason that I never could have understood then but now am grateful for.

Gently I transfer little Niobe, who suits the name better than the kitten I originally picked, into her carry case amidst her stuffed animals and my old shirt. She yawns and I smile, I can’t help it and I defy anyone to keep from smiling when a baby of any species does something so endearing. She snuggles up with her stuffed caterpillar and I go back to the computer. Suddenly she sneezes and with lightening fast reflexes I am inches from her, checking to see that she is ok, patting her to help her get back to sleep and hoping she isn’t coming down with a cold. I have good mommy instincts and mentally I pat myself on the back. When the time comes I will be a good mother but until then I can practice on this little ball of whiskers and fur.

Thank you Creator for all that you have given me and all that you made me work for. Thank you for the things I asked for and the things I never knew I needed. Thank you for Sean, who makes it all worthwhile. And please bring him home safe to me. In the end, that’s all I really need.

Good luck and blessings, Prana

I haven’t posted a whole lot the past month and that’s because I’ve been so busy. Also, the heat is horrendous and my hands keep getting stuck to the melting keyboard. So here, for your peeping pleasure, are pictures of some of the things I did this month (no not those kinds of pictures, get your head out of the gutter).

We watched Bush give a speech and then spent an hour trying not to vomit. In this picture he’s shaking hands with Santa and if he’s good enough for Santa he has my vote. I didn’t watch the whole thing because frankly when I see his face I have a sudden urge to personally distribute birth control to his family. A couple of my favorite gems of the night were :

“The american president must speak clearly and mean what he says.”

“We stand for giving money to faith based groups for thier works of healing.”

Wow. Do you think he understands the meaning of the word hyporcrit? And since when do I stand for giving money only to Christian Fundamentalists? I must have missed that meeting. Want to hear some more of the religious crap he spews? Here ya go.

Ok so what else? Well the building next door had a fire and the firemen came. And a couple days later the cops came and arrested some guys, I think, for fighting. I live in a nice neighborhood huh?

Then we went to Lens Crafters. The Optomotrist shamed me into getting the dang eye drop test that makes you look like a hypno-toad for the rest of the day. Sean and I picked out new glasses and then we paid the (enormous) bill. Since we had to wait an hour before we could pick them up we decided to go to the Farmers Market/The Grove. The Grove is a fancy hangout spot for rich people. It’s a glorified strip mall where people come to buy over priced junk and carry around thier purse puppies and look important. Which, it turns out, is not a great idea on a Saturday when it’s 125 degrees outside. It was horribly crowded and everyone (as usual) bathed in perfume before leaving the house so my head was killing me. But we did see some interesting things. A few things we noticed:

1. The angel statue is very hard to see. What are they doing? Are they dancing, trying to kill each other, is one looking up the others dress?

2. If you really want to snatch a kid all you need to do is hang out at the Farmers Market with a purse puppy (little dogs that women and gay men like to carry around in thier purse like an accesory here in LA). You wouldn’t believe how many kids flock to you and how many of thier parents just ignore them the whole time.

3. There are a lot of homosexual couples here which is cool because I like a diverse group of people around me. But we noticed that while most of the female couples were roughly the same age, most of the male couples consisted of one guy in his 40’s and one guy in his 20’s. Why is that?

Anyway, we would have liked to of picked up some food but a lot of it was over priced and it was very hot so most of the fruit was squishy and leaking anyway. All we ended up buying was some stickers for various people. When we left I snapped a couple picks of the park and a car with horns and a tail and someone dressed as the devil in the drivers seat in front of a lingerie shop and finally the new billboard for the musical : The Ten Commandments.

Pictures at the Grove:
Angel
Clock Tower
Fish
Fountain
Puppy
Soldier
Stickers
Trolley

What else? we ordered pizza which is pretty rare here because we don’t eat out, we don’t eat unk and I’m allergic to it but we splurged this once because it was to dang hot to move let alone cook. My step-sister had her baby girl, she was born a month and a half premature but she’s doing really well now and she’s a total dool baby just like her brother. Sean bought a Replay TV and we worship it on a daily basis. I have no idea how we ever lived without it and I plan to build it a shrine. I bough mom some gourds on eBay and now I’m addicted to eBay. And I got Photoshop CS which just rocks my socks. And the smog and fumes have gotten so bad that Sean had to bring home gas masks so we could breathe.

Last but not least, yesterday’s trip to the pound. Pictures of Niobe.

So that was my month. I hope you enjoyed the pictures Good luck and blessinsg, Prana

As the crowd gathers around the darkened entrance to it’s lair, they stand silent, holding thier breath for fear of spooking the delicate creature. When it finally emerges it appears pale and confused, startled by the harsh daylight. Slowly it’s eyes focus and it appears to understand what it must do. Looking down it see it’s shadow and quickly flees back to the safety of it’s home.

There you have it. I made one of my brief ventures into what my husband refers to as ‘day light’ , was scared silly and now have vowed never to leave again. Of course this means we will have 30 more days of summer where in we will all finally be burnt to a crisp due to the chemical fire I am positive will errupt any second now when the smog layer reaches the critical temperature.

So anyway, we went out yesterday. I don’t normally do that as A. I am a lovely shade of ‘cadaver’ and instantly burst into flames the second the sun touches me. B. I am allergic to pretty much everything and always come home stuffed up, itching, watering and in pain. and C. I emit special pheremones that attract all manor of crazies. But yesterday I braved the harsh Cali sun, the fumes and the nut jobs for a worthy cause : kittens.

I like animals, I like them a lot. They don’t judge you or trick you or play games with you. So long as you have a pocket full of snacks and a lap they love you. Unfortunately I am a sick sick woman and have, on occasion, taken in every stray in the neighborhood. But I’ve gotten much better and to my credit in the five years since getting married I have only aquired two cats and believe me when I say I had ample opportunities to get more. So yesterday someone put up a notice in the LAFreecycle for a siamese kitten found in a dumpster. Of course my heart went out to the little thing, who could do something so horrible to a little baby kitty? But I knew the hubby would not want another cat (he can barely handle the wounds inflicted by the ones we already have). So when he came home I joked as usual that we were getting another cat and he said something that freaked me out to no end…ok.

Last week he answered the door in nothing but a towel to accept a package. Before that he helped one of our neighbors fix thier computer and even spent time in thier house. It doesn’t sound like much to you and I but these are acts entirely foreign to Sean and combined with his total nonchalance at getting another cat leads me to believe that he is a pod person.

So I called the number to ask after the kitten which in my heart was already mine only to find out that someone had already taken it. Now it may sound silly, and it probably is, but I was rather hurt and depressed. Which is how I ended up outside on my way to the animal shelter. We looked in the paper first but every ad required your soul or first born child in exchange for a kitten and we figured it would be a good idea to rescue a needy kitty anyway.

When we got there we were immediately set apon by a large man who just started talking to us (and a voice in his head, no I’m not kidding) about bizzare things and even followed us through the pound at first. It was very wierd and I wish I could say it was the first time that has happened but it’s not. After we lost the guy we looked in the two rooms with cats and kittens but the place was a little crowded. There were so many cute and cuddly kitties, I wanted them all. But we finally settled on a 7 week old birman female who is quite possibly the cutest thing in the entire world. I took a couple pictures which I will upload later but if you want to know what she looks like go here and click on ‘kittens’.

But because the kittens aren’t 8 weeks old yet we can’t get her until Friday morning and we have to be the first ones there or someone else can take her which would make me cry like a kindergartener with a skinned knee. If we don’t get her I can always pick another one but I’ve already bonded with this one and really hope we get her. If we do her name will be Niobe (Ny O Bee) to go along with our cats Neo and Trinity, all characters in The Matrix. So cross your fingers for me.

After that we stopped to get gas, which is where I watched a homeless man watching customers litter. He just shook his head sadly and when they left he proceeded to pick up thier trash and throw it away as well as all the other litter in the parking lot. That really touched me and made me sad. Here this guy doesn’t own anything but the dirty shirt on his back and yet he takes the time to clean up after US. Where ever he is I hope he is safe and happy. Creator bless you , wherever you are.

After that we went to the store (there was a Big Lot’s type store going out of business) and we saw a few things we liked but didn’t buy anything and at that point we were both starving and dying from the heat. So we spent most of the day laying in a puddle of our own sweat and praying for sweet release.

Later when I called my mom to see how she was holding up after the family reunion she asked what we had done that day and I told her about the cat. She got that voice all moms get when they are disappointed in your behavior but can’t do anything about it. “Miss” she says (which I hate because it’s not my name) “Why do you need another cat? You’re going to turn into one of those cat ladies!”

Mind you she says this as if I’d just told her I had massacred a village and she was chiding “Miss, you’ll be one of those serial killers!”. If the worst thing I ever become is a cat lady considering our gene pool…she should be so lucky!

Good luck and blessings, Prana